i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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