Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
