What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
