She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
