did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
