When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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