yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
