Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
