I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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