When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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