just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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