i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize