New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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