i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
