You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Randomize
