she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
