you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
