My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
