Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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