If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
