so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
