My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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