Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
