Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
