well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
