Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
