the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
