we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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