There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
