He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
