VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
