And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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