drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
