dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
