I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
