I just threw up on my dentist
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
