Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize