If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
