don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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