I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
That's when you crack a 10am beer
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
