M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
