I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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