Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He did a backflip because drugs
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
