I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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