the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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