Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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