Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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