I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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