I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize