Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
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