i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
