I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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