Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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