a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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