so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
