The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I have tasted many bathrooms
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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