just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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