just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
