At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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