its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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