Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
