She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
