Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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