drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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