and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
